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Ayahuasca - the 2nd time

I returned to the same retreat in Tenerife. At the time, I was volunteering in the mountains of southern Gran Canaria. To make it to Tenerife on time, I had to get up at 4:30 a.m., walk through the forest with only a flashlight to guide me, and catch the bus from San Bartolomé. That bus was one of only four scheduled for the entire day! It took me down the winding roads to a bigger town, Vecindario, where I transferred to another bus heading to the airport. Just this part of the day was adventurous enough!


Once I arrived at Tenerife Norte, one of the participants, Ana, kindly picked me up and drove me to the retreat location in the lush, green, and peaceful part of the island—conveniently close to the airport. Thank you, Ana! Unlike my previous visit, I arrived early this time and had my pick of the mattresses. I chose one nestled between two unoccupied ones, leaving it to fate to decide who my neighbors would be.


As the afternoon passed, I focused on my intentions for the medicine, repeating affirmations to myself while helping to set up the canvas door of the tent. Soon enough, my neighbors arrived: a man from La Gomera set up his spot to my left, and a young woman from Colombia claimed the mattress to my right. Coincidentally, all three of us had elephant-printed throws, and to top it off, a large elephant scarf was hanging above my left neighbor's mattress. We dubbed our area the "Elephant Corner."

My intentions for the medicine were as follows:

  • Strengthen my masculine side/ego – to find balance and fortify this aspect of myself.

  • Heal and improve my relationship with money – uncover and release any financial blocks, fears, or unconscious resistance that may be holding me back.

  • Telepathy and connection – establish a connection with A.H., the literary agent I aspire to be represented by.

  • Stay open to guidance – remain receptive to any additional messages or insights my guides wish to share with me.


The night began with the same preparation as in January—body exercises and mantras—which gave me comfort in knowing what to expect. During the group introductions, we were arranged in circles of four. Interestingly, I found myself paired with three boys. I took it as a sign that the masculine energy I had requested was starting to work on me.


Then came the Syrian root, which tasted far more bitter than I remembered, followed by the Ayahuasca. This time, it tasted sickeningly unpleasant—literally. I managed to hold it down for no longer than 20 minutes before it came back up, along with the water I’d drunk afterward to rinse my mouth.


I waited patiently, observing how the other participants transformed under the medicine and how the space turned into what felt like a human zoo. However, I remained unaffected. “The magic” I was waiting for never came. I eventually reported my soberness to one of the helpers, who assured me that a second round would be offered soon.


As I waited, I discovered that my neighbors and the English sailor were also only slightly affected. Like me, they had thrown up too quickly. I’d purged twice, and I suspected that for the medicine to work as intended, you need to hold it down for at least 30 minutes after drinking.


The second round was uninviting. My stomach churned, and every fiber of my body resisted the idea of another cup of Ayahuasca. I delayed taking another portion of the Syrian root as well; the mere sight of the metal cup made my stomach turn. Despite this, I reminded myself that I hadn’t come all this way just to sleep through the night.


Summoning my resolve, I forced down the Syrian root powder and immediately ate two slices of apple to combat the bitter aftertaste. But my stomach only worsened. I knew I couldn’t manage another cup of Ayahuasca and chose not to refill. Instead, I went to the kitchen in search of something soothing, finding only oat biscuits. They offered little relief.


Frustrated and sober but burdened by a fiery sensation in my stomach, I lay down, trying to block out the music and activity around me. The noise was too loud, and I couldn’t even sleep. Anger bubbled up inside me as I felt the night slipping away, unfulfilled.


Quietly, I began to sob under the weight of my own expectations. With my face buried in my arms, I focused on falling asleep and, slowly, my disappointment began to transform. I let go. I let go of wanting this experience to be anything other than what it was. I surrendered. And that was when the magic began.

The first image that appeared to me was a golden bracelet with letters engraved on it. I could clearly make out the letters ‘J’ and ‘U’, but the rest remained elusive. Just as I began to focus on deciphering the remaining letters, I realized something extraordinary—I had entered the dream zone or perhaps a lucid dreaming stage. Excitement washed over me.


I had wanted so deeply to connect with my inner self, to be "in my head," and now here I was. The realization brought tears to my eyes. I wept softly, feeling a deep sense of shame for having doubted the medicine, for not trusting that it would work in its own time and way. I offered a heartfelt apology to Ayahuasca, acknowledging my impatience and lack of faith. At that moment, clarity dawned: everything had unfolded exactly as it needed to. I understood that, for this particular journey, I needed to experience Ayahuasca differently. To be fully present in my mind—to explore its vast potential—my stomach had to be free of the medicine. Had I retained it physically, the experience would likely have been deeply emotional, similar to the one I had in January. Such emotions, however, would have distracted me from accessing the profound potential of my third eye.


Back to the letters 'J' & 'U'.

I asked my guides what the word was, and the only thing that resonated with me was July. “When in July?” I asked. Then I remembered what Peter had told me weeks ago about the letter jumble I had shown him (the name of the literary agent). From the letters of her name, the words ‘new moon’ and ‘soon’ had stood out to him. Connecting this to the bracelet, I realized it might point to the new moon in July, which was just six days away from the date of the retreat. From this realization, I shifted my focus to the book. I began "directing my movie," visualizing myself reaching out to the agent via telepathy. I created every significant detail of the process: how she felt reading the manuscript, the journey to publication, and the successful collaboration that followed.

When I had completed this visualization, other random messages began coming through—insights about my body and health. I received phrases like: “You are a treasure; you can’t eat junk,” and “The head/thoughts affect the health of the lungs, while feelings/heart matters influence the stomach.” Soon, a wave of exhaustion hit me, and I began to cry as I admitted to myself how drained I felt from life. I reflected on the lack of tangible rewards for all my efforts and hard work, which left me feeling deeply unsuccessful. My guides gently reassured me, telling me that I had done enough. They explained that these travel journeys I had undertaken were essential for my growth and wisdom. Now, it was time for me to release my burdens and rest.

I was then guided through a breathing exercise, which helped me release the worries and tension I had been holding in my stomach. As I let go, I felt a profound sense of relief and peace settle within my body.


They also showed me a baby girl. When I asked for her name, they said, Ella. The following day, I heard Ella Fitzgerald’s “Summertime” playing from the speakers. It felt unusual because the music from the speakers was always medicine/ healing music, yet suddenly it was Ella Fitzgerald. I listened carefully to the lyrics, wondering if a particular line stood out for me, but it was the title, “Summertime,” that resonated the most.


During this experience, I was also shown a wheel that reminded me of the Wheel of Fortune tarot card. I understood that the wheel was turning in my favor. At first, I thought it signified finally receiving the book deal I’ve been hoping for, but then they showed me a heart ❤️ next to the wheel and told me: “We will give you what you want, but first—love.”


A few more messages came through during the night. I also noticed a peculiar movement in my right shoulder; it kept circling, almost as though there was tension, though I didn’t feel any discomfort. My right hand also repeatedly formed a gesture with my index finger pointing upward 👆, but I couldn’t understand its significance. I remembered that the right side of the body is associated with masculine energy, which made me reflect on whether this was related to the strengthening of that side of myself.


At one point, a beautiful bee appeared before me, likely emerging from my subconscious. I wished I had asked more questions of my guides and higher self at the time, as I was left uncertain about the meanings of some of the symbols and gestures. Later, I tried piecing together these clues to make sense of the messages.


So my little detective mind put together the story from the messages that I did understand: something was going to happen at the new moon in July (summertime), which is connected to a new beginning (baby & wheel of fortune) in love (heart shape).


When I woke up in the morning, daylight was already streaming in, and I couldn’t wait to make my way down to the kitchen for something to eat. However, I felt incredibly dizzy and found it hard to coordinate my movements. As I tried to get up, I stumbled back onto the bed and started laughing at myself—I felt like I had a massive hangover! My head was heavy, my vision slightly blurry, and I had to walk very slowly, almost like a child taking cautious first steps, as I made my way down the hill to avoid tumbling.


When I finally reached the outdoor kitchen area, I sat down at the table and stared blankly ahead for a long while. I thought I wanted to eat, but my stomach wasn’t ready to handle food yet. Instead, I sipped a couple of mugs of warm tea with honey, dipping oat biscuits into it. I operated in slow motion, eating carefully and deliberately.


Later, I moved to the carpet and lay down in the shade of some trees, letting the peace of the surroundings envelop me. I spent the rest of the morning resting, processing the previous night’s experience, and journaling my thoughts and emotions. As I gazed up at the sky, I noticed the Moon—just a small crescent, the final phase before the New Moon. A bird flew across it, and I interpreted this as a message: “around the New Moon.” So, around the New Moon in July a new beginning in love.


The oracle card I pulled from the Earth Warriors deck

(36 is my Life Purpose number)


During the afternoon of the second day, I began to regain my strength. I ate quite a lot but in small portions to ease back into normalcy. I had an intense craving for chocolate, and I immediately connected it to my Third Eye chakra, which had been very active the previous night. Under the influence of the experience, I had envisioned myself with three eyes, a clear sign that my Third Eye was wide awake. Knowing that chocolate is beneficial for the Third Eye, I was delighted to discover some dark chocolate in the fridge, which I savored piece by piece.

Later, during the sharing circle, we were invited to express one negative feeling (if we had one) and one positive feeling. My negative emotion was unquestionably 'loneliness'. Despite the collective atmosphere of the retreat, I felt a deep sense of loneliness, not just in the moment but in my life as a whole. I longed for connection and the chance to share myself with others. However, most of the participants spoke Spanish, which left me feeling excluded from the conversations and laughter around me. On the positive side, I chose the word 'beauty.' Despite the challenges, I could still appreciate the beauty of the retreat, the environment, and the profound personal insights I was gaining.


Before taking Ayahuasca, those of us who had vomited too soon the previous night were advised to drink the medicine in 3-4 small sips, with a five-minute pause between each. However, I loathed the taste so much that the thought of lifting the cup multiple times was unbearable. Instead, I opted to take the liquid in just two steps.

Unfortunately, I threw up about 10 minutes after the first sip. Shortly after, I witnessed a chain reaction—eight people across from me started vomiting one after the other, like a line of dominos. Many in my row soon followed, turning the entire scene into what can only be described as a puke party! It was oddly infectious, like laughter, but instead of laughing, we were all violently retching. Holding the medicine down felt nearly impossible for most of us. When it was time for my second sip, my stomach was already exhausted, and I dreaded going through it all again. Reluctantly, I drank it, but the outcome was the same—it came back up almost immediately.


In spite of throwing up far too soon, the Ayahuasca began to affect me. The first vision I saw was a pirate skull, and discomfort spread through my body. I thought I was going to vomit again, but instead, I found myself spitting and coughing up slime from deep within. After an intense fit of coughing, I felt as if something shifted in one of my organs—not my stomach. Finally, I coughed up some vile bile with strange bits floating in it.

The bits were likely undigested food, perhaps crumbs of bread from earlier, but in my Ayahuasca-altered state, they appeared as tiny slugs, bugs, or leeches. I believed I had expelled parasites that had been living in my intestines for years. The relief I felt was enormous, almost euphoric. I imagined my internal organs throwing a celebratory party, and in that moment, it felt sweet and endearing. I thanked Ayahuasca for helping me purge whatever had been stuck inside. A profound realization followed: I believed that these "bugs" came from my mother. Somehow, I thought I had been infected with them through her intestines while in her womb. This symbolic connection made me feel like she had been energetically holding me down, blocking me in some way. As bizarre as it sounds, it made perfect sense in that heightened state. But then, a shift occurred. I forgave her. I let go of the resentment I didn’t even realize I had been holding. As I lay face down on my mattress, feeling flattened and grounded, a sense of profound peace filled me. During my intense coughing phase, Alberto, one of the elderly helpers, came to my side. He sat down next to me and gently placed his hand on my back. His warmth and caring presence reminded me of a father comforting a sick child. It was a deeply tender and healing moment that stayed with me.


Soon after that, the effects of Ayahuasca began to wear off. I became more aware but chose to stay lying on my mattress, occasionally observing the others around me. At one point, our shaman/leader smoked something, then rolled onto the floor and passed out in a star shape right in front of me. It was amusing, yet strangely fitting.

Earlier, Terry, the English sailor, had told me after the first Ayahuasca night, "You’re a star." That reaffirmed what a Reiki master had told me years ago—that I am a star child. It felt like a confirmation of something deeply resonant within me. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, my male neighbor asked if I wanted to try Changa. The helpers had offered it to boost the effects of Ayahuasca. As one of them had explained earlier, Changa is smoked, and in this particular mix, there was some Bufo added as well. My neighbor described it casually: "It's a cocktail with a little Bufo in it too." Feeling adventurous and experimental, I decided to try it. After all, one life, live it, right? I felt a bit nervous and awkward at first since I’m not a smoker and had no idea how it would feel in my throat or lungs. Alberto sat beside me, and my mattress buddy kept an eye on me too. Their presence made me feel supported and safe. What followed was an experience unlike any I’d had before.


After smoking the Changa, I entered a slightly psychedelic state. It was as if I had slipped into another dimension. Everything around me appeared perfectly clear, but I felt like I was elsewhere at the same time. The sensation was strange and difficult to categorize—so foreign that I didn’t know where to place it in my mind.

Gradually, I began to feel weaker, almost as though I was drifting out of my body. Alberto suggested I lie down, so I did. Placing my hands on my stomach, I focused on my breath to navigate through this bizarre but trustworthy experience. My whale breathing returned, bringing comfort and grounding. As I was fading into a dreamlike state, Alberto placed a throw over me. The shaman/leader remained at my feet, and Edward lay a little further down on my other side. I felt profoundly looked after by the masculine energy surrounding me. Alberto’s fatherly care brought me a sense of safety and peace, which was deeply comforting. At some point, I crawled beneath my blanket, pulling it over my face. I curled up into a fetal position, knees drawn up and arms folded as an embryo would. This state felt so nurturing and beautiful, like being cradled by the universe itself.


Then, something extraordinary happened. I began to "see" my hip bones, tools, and wheels. It was as though someone—or something—was working on repairing my right hip. (For context, my right hip has some cartilage issues, with the bones rubbing together. While it hasn’t caused major problems yet, I’ve always been aware that it could become a concern in the future.) This sensation of repair felt purposeful, like a gift of healing.

When I woke up again, it was dawn. Feeling refreshed, I got up to brush my teeth and then returned to bed to snooze for a bit longer. By 9:20 a.m., when I woke for the final time, I felt completely rejuvenated—light, energetic, and ready to face the day.



On my way back to Gran Canaria, I felt a profound sense of completeness. This journey, and the Ayahuasca experience that came with it, felt fully concluded. Unlike my first ceremony, I didn’t feel the need to take time afterward to process or integrate the experience into my daily life. There was no “landing phase” or post-ceremony struggle. I returned to my routine with ease, but I noticed that the people around me seemed to subconsciously sense the shifts in my energy field.


I spent five more days volunteering with the family—the one with the depressive mother—and then a few days at the hostel in Las Palmas. The changes in my vibration appeared to amplify the contrast between myself and those around me. For instance, the child’s mother seemed noticeably more depressed. Her energy seemed to sink lower while mine had risen higher, creating a sense of emotional distance between us. At times, I even felt a strong, almost visceral urge to shake her out of her self-created misery—a fleeting desire to jolt her awake to the beauty of life.


At the hostel, an encounter reinforced the shifts I was experiencing. A guy I met there told me that my Chi—my life force energy—was very strong. He explained that he had felt a powerful energy as soon as I arrived and, when he opened the door to see who it was, there I was checking in at reception.


This man also turned out to know a lot about Ayahuasca, and our conversations felt serendipitous. Meanwhile, Apple, one of the volunteers I had befriended during my first stay at the hostel three weeks earlier, commented on the noticeable difference in me. She described me as calmer and more peaceful than before.

Interestingly, I began to observe how magnetic I had become. Many people at the hostel seemed drawn to me, as though they wanted to share my energy or simply be around me. It felt as if I had transformed into a beacon, exuding something others instinctively desired to connect with.

I checked into the hostel on July 30th, two days after the New Moon—just as the message had suggested, “around the New Moon.” I stayed for four nights, and during this time, I did meet someone special. Initially, I didn’t want to write about it; I felt an instinct to protect our connection, as if putting it into words might diminish its sacredness. However, after two months of silence from him, I began to reevaluate what this connection truly meant. Sadly, I realized it was yet another repetition of the same old pattern—a dynamic that led nowhere. It hit me hard: I was still drawn to the wrong kind of love, the type that pulls me toward unavailable men. This recognition was sobering and painful, but it also made me see that there was no need to shield this connection any longer.

So, here are some details...


We only spoke on my last day at the hostel, and at first, I didn’t sense anything extraordinary about him. He seemed like a sweet soul with a cute smile—a gentle energy that resonated with the idea that "our voice is the vibration of our soul." The only thing that stood out at the time was his remarkable kindness and the fact that he was so much younger than me. But then, there was the synchronicity. He gave me one of his drawings—a depiction of a girl in a swimming costume, seen from the back, who looked eerily like me. That same morning, I had lost my swimming costume, which happened to look almost identical to the one in his drawing. The coincidence was striking. I had this strange feeling, almost like he had somehow manifested me into his life, but I didn’t dwell on it. My focus was on catching my flight the next day, and I was already growing anxious about the logistics of travelling.


However, a day after I left the islands, it hit me—I had left behind someone who felt like a soulmate. Though we were now in different countries, I couldn’t shake the sensation of his presence lingering around me. It was as if part of him was still with me, and I started to sense his sexual energy and a watchful curiosity, which turned out to be true—he was watching me on Instagram. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.


Suddenly, I realized there was so much more I wanted to know about him. I wanted to understand the connection between us. Over the next few weeks, we exchanged a few messages, and he opened up about his feelings. To my surprise, he admitted to feeling exactly what I secretly felt about him: we had a connection. But we didn’t have each other. Then, the messages stopped. He fell silent, and eventually, I stopped thinking about him, though not without effort.


The situation began to feel all too familiar, reminiscent of my past Twin Flame journey. Having learned my lesson, I resolved not to invest my time and energy into this connection unless I saw the masculine making a conscious effort to stay in my life.


So, this was the love story Ayahuasca had hinted at. Boohoo, indeed. Perhaps this connection will endure, and our paths will cross again someday (my heart whispers this possibility). Or maybe the Universe just has a great sense of humour (says my head).


And then I heard this, that felt relevant: "You have the gift of "illumination". Your light reveals shadows in others. This masculine is drawn to your light but wasn't ready in the past to face his shadow."


I also heard a simple yet powerful message at the Shamanic Wisdom Summit which made me look at the messages I received as just messages and not think anything behind them. Let the messages be and allow them to unfold naturally without you overthinking their meaning.


Below I copied the links to some of the music/mantras/chants that I liked at the retreat (just click on the titles). Hope you'll enjoy some of this music too!


Noku Mana - Youtube

Ayahuasca Takimuyki - Soundcloud

Conundrum - Soundcloud

Guru Ram Dass Chant (Miracle of the heart prayer) - Youtube

Sa Ta Na Ma by Nirinjan Kaur - Youtube

El Ka Leem Om - Soundcloud



Thank you for reading!


Until next time ♡

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